Walking on sunshine.

I started this on Thursday, but then I got busy - and drunk - and never posted it. Here you go.


I am happy right now. Yes - happy. Exhilarated, even. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can bring me down. I feel like I have been looking for something forever, and I've finally found it. I feel like every decision I've made until now has been the right one, because they have all brought me to this point, and no choice I can make or path I can follow from this point on can be the wrong one.

I had a really good day at work. I like my job. I like my life. I did actual work today. It was hard, I did it well, and when I was finished, I felt proud of what I had done. I feel as though I am doing something I've always been meant to do (not the one thing I was meant to do - I am meant to do so much more).

Things are not perfect. Money is tight, and my student loan payments have just started up. But even that's okay, at least at the moment. If money runs out, well, I've been looking for an excuse to go back to working with animals. I won't do it unless I absolutely have to, but if it comes to that, a part time job anywhere where I could play with dogs would be wonderful. I still really want the dog trainer job at PetSmart...maybe the third time applying would be the charm. Like I said, only if I really had to, which probably won't happen...but I would welcome the excuse. I could even go back to the hospital. I would give up my free time to do that. It's crazy - I want to do things. I want to be productive. I want to use my time well instead of wasting it away.

Now. To anyone reading this whose life is falling apart, and who wants to tell me to shove it, please understand a few things. First, this will not last. Maybe it's just one of those "ups" that often precedes the "downs," and maybe what comes after will be just as bad as this is good. Second, I have been borderline suicidal for as long as I can remember. I have never enjoyed my life, or had a time when I didn't wish everything would change. I've never wanted to do things - I've only ever wanted to lie around and hide and wait for time to pass. So this is huge for me.

There are two things I do not want to hear from my friends right now. They are:

1) "I don't want to hear how good your life is, because mine sucks ." Just be happy for me, and with me - please? I don't know how to go about not being the most miserable person I know at any given time, so give me a chance to learn how to take care of you, instead of always needing to be the one taken care of.
2) On the days where I'm not feeing the way I do right now - "Stop being unhappy. You've got nothing to complain about." Not fair. I have, and probably always will have, a generally depressive personality. I've always hated happy people, too. Know that this will not last, it will all come crashing down around me soon enough, and I just want to enjoy this while I have it. I don't want to have to feel guilty for being okay, because I've waited 23 goddamn years for this.

Now I'm off to meet up with my friends from the hospital, because one of them is leaving. Almost all of the original crew are gone, off to bigger and better things. It's sort of sad - that place and those people meant more to me on a personal level, and had more of an impact on my life than possibly any other place in the world. Look at where I am now - where I live, who I live with, who my closest friends are - all directly or indirectly linked to that place I cursed every day. I won't deny how much I hated it - but I loved it all the same, and I have to thank it.

Side note - go see Eight Below. It is the single greatest piece of film I've seen this year, and it will change your life. Look for Maya and Max as leading contenders in next year's Oscar race. I've never seen such brilliant acting performances from any cats - have you?

Random photographs

I just got a camera developed, and the pictures went back farther than I thought. They cover a span of time from last summer to now.

Everyone remember this?



Doesn't that feel like so long ago now?

If I remember correctly, these are the flowers Mike got me when I was depressed because I didn't get the paralegal job the first time around. Of course, I didn't know I should have been celebrating that near-escape, as that place was about to completely ruin my life for the next four months. At any rate, he is a true BFF.

Our bunnies, Trillian (left) and Morrigan (right), when we first got them.

Here's my last day at Relin, Goldstein & Crane. There's my first very own cubicle (with the desk looking neater than it ever had before), and that's my crazy friend Jamie next to me. Looking at this fills me with a mixture of nostalgia and nausea. Thank God it's over.

And now to the present....

Yeah, he looks thrilled to be with me. Like he's been sucking on a lemon.

The wedding song

This is what I'm playing next month(!). I wasn't sure at first if it was fitting, because it's about the time when you're still looking for the right person, and they've already found each other. But it reminds me so much of the Kelly I knew way back when, before she met Ryan, when she was always looking for "The One." Besides, I can secretly dedicate it to all of the sad single people at the wedding.

I Know Him By Heart

There's a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I've kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
'Til my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel makes him real someday

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together,
We've never been apart
No, we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living an illusion?
Wanting something I can't see
If I compromise, I'd be living lies
Pretending love's not meant to be
'Cause I know my heart's worth saving
And I know that he'll be waiting
So I'll hold on, and I'll stay strong 'til then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I've never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we've never been together,
We've never been apart
No, we've never met
Haven't found him yet
But I know him by heart

Yawn.

I'm at work. I've been staring at a PDF since 8 am, and I feel like someone punched me in both eyes. I'm finally finished with it, and I've got nothing to do, but my trainer has told me that he is busy for the next half hour, and to try him again at 3. So I sit, and I wait.

I played chimes for Kelly the other day, and thank God she liked one of the songs. It sucks to work really hard on music for a month, and when the songs actually start to sound the way they're supposed to, you realize you hate them. One of the two rejects wasn't so bad, but it didn't put me in that wedding mood. She didn't like either one of them. But she seemed to absolutely love the third one, which is a huge relief. I was worried that she wouldn't like any of them, and I'd have to search for music and start all over again; or that she'd sort of like them, but not LOVE them. I wanted her to hear the music and say, "Yes, I want that in my wedding." Not only did she say that, but she also said that if I perfect it, people will be trying to hire me after the wedding to play for them. This is why I miss playing bells - it was always such an ego boost. It's the only thing I've ever been able to say that I am damn good at. Incidentally, the winning song is "I Know Him By Heart" by Vonda Shepard. I'll post the lyrics on here eventually, because I love them.

I get such a thrill out of stupid little things. Some woman just came by and brought me my official nameplate for my cubicle. Until now, there's just been a piece of paper with my name on it, held up by thumbtacks. I want to take a picture of it. I said so, and the lady looked at me like I was nuts, and left as quickly as she could. I have my camera, but the flash may draw too much attention. Maybe I'll camp out here until everyone's gone.

Or maybe not.

Almost three - I guess I had better go. To sit. And wait.

I'm a lemming.

So I'm jumping on this bandwagon now, because I haven't touched my LiveJournal in months, and this seems to be where all the action is.

First of all, I am immensely creeped out right now. We were sitting in the living room watching TV a couple of minutes ago, and the buzzer for the door went off. We weren't expecting anyone, so I pressed the intercom and said, "Hello?" When I pressed "listen," all I could hear was someone breathing very heavily. We looked out the window, and no one was there. We considered possible weapons to use in self-defense, and waited for a guy with a chainsaw to break down the door, but he never came. He's probably waiting until we fall asleep. So if this is my last chance to say goodbye to the world, then...goodbye...world. Yeah, that's all I've got. Prank phone calls I'm used to, but someone at my door? *shudder.*

Serial killers aside, I'm in an odd place in life right now. I'm sort of...almost...relatively...happy, and I don't know what to do with that. Things on the surface all seem to be going my way for once, and as per usual, I'm just waiting for them to fall apart. I'm more comfortable with things in pieces, which is why I'll do just about anything to destroy them. I'm not quite there yet, but self-destruct mode is sure to set in with a vengeance any day now. Maybe it's already here. I feel like lately I'm sending myself in too many directions, trying to make everyone happy...everyone but myself. I want to be the kind of person who does and says what she wants, and who doesn't give a damn about what other people think. At the same time...I want people to like me for it. I want everyone to think I'm happy, because it feels like they're all looking at me these days and saying, "What's she got to complain about?" And all the time I'm got a million different things going on inside, and I'm trying so hard to be less of an emotional wreck all the time, but I don't think I'm as nice or as genuine a person as I once was. I never did know how to strike a balance.

With all of that said, if you think you know what I'm talking about, you're probably way off. I'm going to shock anyone who knows me at all and say that the one thing that actually does make some sense right now is....drumroll....relationships. You all know I've been "seeing" someone, and although my roommate might beg to differ on this point, this may be the least overthinking I've ever done about anything. I've just been taking things as they come, keeping things in perspective, and trying to enjoy it all. And my reward for being sensible is that I've sort of been swept off my feet. My expectations have been lowered dramatically over the years by guys who thought they knew what girls wanted, but didn't have a clue. It's actually a very simple equation - flowers, nice dinner, dancing, not being a jackass (ah, here comes the pent-up bitterness)...you know what? It's all common sense. You put in a little effort, you actually listen to her, and you just might be a keeper.

So. It's a new year, and I have a whole lot of things I need to work on. But I've got a lot going for me, too. We'll see what I can accomplish, if I lay off the Jagerbombs for a while.