Walking on sunshine.

I started this on Thursday, but then I got busy - and drunk - and never posted it. Here you go.


I am happy right now. Yes - happy. Exhilarated, even. I feel like nothing can touch me, nothing can bring me down. I feel like I have been looking for something forever, and I've finally found it. I feel like every decision I've made until now has been the right one, because they have all brought me to this point, and no choice I can make or path I can follow from this point on can be the wrong one.

I had a really good day at work. I like my job. I like my life. I did actual work today. It was hard, I did it well, and when I was finished, I felt proud of what I had done. I feel as though I am doing something I've always been meant to do (not the one thing I was meant to do - I am meant to do so much more).

Things are not perfect. Money is tight, and my student loan payments have just started up. But even that's okay, at least at the moment. If money runs out, well, I've been looking for an excuse to go back to working with animals. I won't do it unless I absolutely have to, but if it comes to that, a part time job anywhere where I could play with dogs would be wonderful. I still really want the dog trainer job at PetSmart...maybe the third time applying would be the charm. Like I said, only if I really had to, which probably won't happen...but I would welcome the excuse. I could even go back to the hospital. I would give up my free time to do that. It's crazy - I want to do things. I want to be productive. I want to use my time well instead of wasting it away.

Now. To anyone reading this whose life is falling apart, and who wants to tell me to shove it, please understand a few things. First, this will not last. Maybe it's just one of those "ups" that often precedes the "downs," and maybe what comes after will be just as bad as this is good. Second, I have been borderline suicidal for as long as I can remember. I have never enjoyed my life, or had a time when I didn't wish everything would change. I've never wanted to do things - I've only ever wanted to lie around and hide and wait for time to pass. So this is huge for me.

There are two things I do not want to hear from my friends right now. They are:

1) "I don't want to hear how good your life is, because mine sucks ." Just be happy for me, and with me - please? I don't know how to go about not being the most miserable person I know at any given time, so give me a chance to learn how to take care of you, instead of always needing to be the one taken care of.
2) On the days where I'm not feeing the way I do right now - "Stop being unhappy. You've got nothing to complain about." Not fair. I have, and probably always will have, a generally depressive personality. I've always hated happy people, too. Know that this will not last, it will all come crashing down around me soon enough, and I just want to enjoy this while I have it. I don't want to have to feel guilty for being okay, because I've waited 23 goddamn years for this.

Now I'm off to meet up with my friends from the hospital, because one of them is leaving. Almost all of the original crew are gone, off to bigger and better things. It's sort of sad - that place and those people meant more to me on a personal level, and had more of an impact on my life than possibly any other place in the world. Look at where I am now - where I live, who I live with, who my closest friends are - all directly or indirectly linked to that place I cursed every day. I won't deny how much I hated it - but I loved it all the same, and I have to thank it.

Side note - go see Eight Below. It is the single greatest piece of film I've seen this year, and it will change your life. Look for Maya and Max as leading contenders in next year's Oscar race. I've never seen such brilliant acting performances from any cats - have you?