Winding Road

Well, the rain keeps on coming down
Feels like a flood in my head
And that road keeps on calling me
Screaming to everything lying ahead

And it's a winding road
I've been walking for a long time
Still don't know where it goes
And it's a long way home
I've been searching for a long time
I still have hope
I'm gonna find my way home

And I can see a little house on top of the hill
And I can smell the ocean, the salt in the air
And I can see you
You're standing there, and you're washing your car
And I can see California sun in your hair

And it's a winding road
I've been walking for a long time
I still don't know where it goes
And it's a long way home
I still have hope
We're gonna find our way home.

So California. Finally, after all these years, I may have my chance, and I am nothing but excited.

Since when am I Little Miss Optimism? I don't know why, but I have a really good feeling about everything that's coming. I'm pretty sure it's all going to work out just right, for all of us. True, it won't feel so hot a few months down the line when everyone else starts to leave and Mike and I go back to being lonely old married recluses. But it's that bad feeling that's going to cement my decision, because it's all of the people in my life that have made me just begin to feel content about being here. When these people are gone, I'll get restless again. I've been ready to go for a long time, but there have been a lot of things keeping me here... but now it feels like every part of my life is ready and willing to join me, and suddenly it all seems so simple. Good friends, best friend, boyfriend, even job could all be there right along with me - so what would I be leaving behind? Not a whole lot. To me, it seems like the easiest decision in the world, because the alternative would be being left behind (yes, consider for a moment what that would be like - I'd like to eliminate all possibility of that. Much easier to leave than to be left.).

Speaking of friends - and best friends - it occurred to me how much easier it would be to see Heather if I lived in San Francisco. It's not quite right around the corner from L.A., but it's a hell of a lot closer than New York. It could be a second chance at having the kind of friendship we used to have.

Someone, please give me a downside. There must be one.

The only hard part will be waiting almost a year. True, there's no guarantee that things won't change between now and then, but I've been wanting to make that move for as long as I can remember. I think it will literally take the entire state collapsing into the ocean to keep me away. If catastrophic things do happen in my own life, then I'll take it as an indication that it really wasn't meant to be. I can live with myself if the big decisions are taken out of my hands, but not if I have every opportunity to take action and I just don't. I will cross any bridge as it comes, but I can't base my decision now on things that might go wrong later.

This great idea of Christine's is one of those things that only works if we're all in.

......so, who's with me?

Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes; I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.

I'm in a bit of a state of shock. I found out the other day that the vet hospital I worked at for more than three years was just sold to the Monroe Veterinary Associaton (who, from what I'm told, are evil bastards). I don't work there anymore, and it shouldn't mean anything to me, but it feels like I've moved away from home and my parents have suddenly decided to sell the house I grew up in. The hospital was more of a fixture in my life than any other institution since high school has been...I don't think so much of my "college years" as I do of my "PVH years." I made some of the most lasting friendships of my life there, and that was where I learned what hard work was. It would be the main setting of my "coming of age story," if I were to write one.

It's frustrating, because the whole time I was there, our core group of kennel employees always talked about the day when things would change around there...when OSHA would shut the place down for safety and health code violations, when Dr. Pulver would retire/keel over and die (either would have been fine), or when we would all just walk out and go on strike. The constant refrain was "Things will never change around here." I was always desperately searching for a better job, but I also always hoped that if things did change, I would be there to see it. And now this comes, when all but one of that original crew is gone. It makes me wish I'd stuck it out and stayed on for weekends, just to see how it all went down. It sounds like it might be bad for the doctors and techs, but I'm guessing that once the place is run by actual professionals, things could get quite a bit better for the kennel staff. I've always thought about going back someday, and I've always hoped that despite our differences, if I ever really, really needed a job and had nowhere else to turn, Dr. Pulver would let me come back. I wouldn't be the first to come crawling back years after quitting. But that won't be much of an option now, with Monroe running the place. I guess this really is goodbye.

* * * *

I should be working on my short story right now. That's going nowhere fast. I could at least be reading the two stories I'll have to critique on Tuesday...I was so unprepared for class last week, and I don't want that to happen again. Maybe if I spent a little less time killing brain cells, and a little more time being productive...

My first celebration of St. Patrick's Day was interesting, to say the least. Wasted Potash was just about the funniest damn thing I've ever seen. Green beer, my only preconception about the holiday, is apparently a myth. Two bars, and nothing but garden-variety regular-colored beer to be seen. And somehow, I never managed to get really drunk. Happy, slightly buzzed, irritable, happy again, hyper-emotional, sullen, slutty, happy yet again, and back to irritable, but never truly inebriated. What a disappointment.

* * * *

Yes, I'm putting scene breaks in my blog. My thoughts are jumping all over the place, and I've got to organize them somehow.

I've been kind of a bitch lately, and there's someone I should apologize to (you know who you are...if you're not sure, then it's not you). I don't want to be that way, but I can't seem to get myself to stop doing it. There's no excuse. I'm really in need of some time alone, to regroup, reflect, and rediscover myself. Ever just feel the need to run away from it all? Just run like hell, and damn the consequences. There's a possible move in my future, and a couple of road trips that I'm really looking forward to...but I want to run NOW. Just get in my car and drive, go to a new place all alone, and just be in that place without having to be anything in particular. When you're always around other people, even the people you're closest to, there's always an expectation for how you have to be, always at least a little bit of pressure, even if it's just the pressure to be kind when all you feel like doing is lashing out. You can never just do or say whatever comes to mind, because it will inevitably hurt someone. I feel like all I've done lately is hurt people. And it's exhausting. I need to change it.

Speaking of change, today is the start of my new healthy lifestyle. That's about the 50th new start I've given myself, but I think I mean it this time. I'm going places this summer; I'm travelling, and going to beaches, and I want to be hot. I don't just want to be somewhere around the 70th percentile of reasonably attractive girls (probably a generous assessment) - I want to be smokin' hot. I've done nothing but sit on my ass and eat burritos for the last few weeks, and all my clothes are getting just a little bit tighter. But that's it - I mean it this time - I'm really going to work on myself. Salads! Exercise every day! Restraint! Yes!

'Brokeback' was robbed.

I'm pretty irritated by the outcome of lasts night's Oscars. My initial reaction was more surprised than angry, because I never expected anything other than Brokeback Mountain to win Best Picture, and the Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Director wins seemed to be leading up to it. It had occurred to me there might be an upset, because the winner never turns out to be who I think or hope it will be. I would have guessed Capote, if anything. But Crash? Shocked. Annoyed. Not, however, as infuriated as I thought I'd be. Do I think it deserved to win? No. Not in a million years. But at the same time, much like Brokeback Mountain, it deals with an issue close to my heart, and I'm glad to see it get some recognition. I think it's because of certain recent events/confrontations, and my deep, persistent anger over those events that I'm so quick to stand by it. It's definitely a movie that forces you to think about things in a whole new way, whether or not you agree with the way in which it does that (schmaltz, shameless pandering, etc. - I'll admit it) So they accomplished something there.

I do think that everyone should see Crash at least once, and take it as a chance to examine themselves and their viewpoints. That said, I think everyone should see Brokeback Mountain as many times as possible, and I understand why it's so significant that it didn't win. It was about more than saying "this movie is better than that movie": like it or not, it boiled down to the issues at stake, and racism is a much safer issue than homosexuality. For Brokeback to win Best Picture would have been a very important statement. As it is, it looks like all those nominations it got were merely obligatory. At the same time, the Oscars are NOT the be-all and end-all, and as someone on the red carpet said, it's still a "watershed." The fact that made such an impact on mainstream culture and has people talking means more than this little technicality.

When I really start thinking about it, it's the Acting categories that make me angrier than anything. I definitely would have given Best Supporting Actress to Michelle Williams (she kicked ass playing me in 10 years or so), and Best Actor to Heath Ledger - I mean, what's the point if Hoffman didn't even bark his speech? But most of all, it bothers me not so much that Gyllenhaal didn't win Best Supporting Actor, but the fact that he was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. How is that in ANY way a supporting role? Okay, so the movie focuses ever so slightly more heavily on Heath Ledger's character (this is more true of the short story, but we're not talking about the short story here). If this had been a story about a heterosexual couple, and both leads were nominated, they would have been up for Best Actor and Best Actress. Were they scared of nominating both of them for Best Actor? Why? Something seems very wrong there. If they both deserved a nomination, they should have both been nominated in the appropriate category.

I didn't intend for this rant to be as long as it is, but I could probably keep going even longer. If there's one thing I never, ever want to be accused of, it's not sticking by the things I believe in. I don't think anyone can ever be too vocal about their opinions, if they're passionate about them.

But go ahead and disagree.