Reading this will be a waste of your time.
This is the last resort of someone who has spent the last two hours trying to look busy. Our system is down at work, and has been for most of the day, and everyone here's running out of things to do. This is pretty much how my entire week has been. Bored, lonely, introspective, mildly depressed. Thinking of how much I could do with eight hours all to myself, to do whatever I wanted... but instead I have to spend them sitting at this desk. Sitting, thinking, rethinking, overthinking, re-overthinking, over-rethinking.... What's out there? What's next? How long will this part of my life go on before the next one starts? There's a poem by Donald Hall about always rushing toward "the next thing! the next thing!" Well, that's me. Where to now? Who's going to come into my life next? Who will be out of it forever? Am I going to do the things I'm SUPPOSED to do, and am I going to do them because I WANT to do them? Will there be anything the least bit original about the path I follow? Or am I just going to get old?
I feel like I am getting old, or already there. Sometimes I feel like I'm done, even at this young age. I've always had a really weird sense of time, an inability to separate one period of time from another in my mind. No matter how much I've changed over the years, I still have the sense of always having been the same person, and the feeling that I always will be. Maybe I'll always be the same scared, solitary little girl, always the dreamy teenager in Coke-bottle glasses, optimistic about her 20s and unconcerned about anything after that. And maybe I've always been 23, free, and in love, always been an old beat-down woman at the end of the road.
Of all of the people I've been and will be, that old woman is the only one I've truly hated. I've hated her for all of the regrets she will have, and never, ever wanted to become her. I've been terrified of what it means to grow old, afraid of not making it that far, but mostly fearful of getting there and finding no meaning in anything I've done. If I can stop being afraid, if I can act now in ways the older me will be proud of... I think it will all be okay.
Whiny, self-indulgent blogger I've been lately. I promise my next post will be an inane ramble about how much I love Eggs Benedict or something. Wait, that's still kind of "me, me, me." Why don't you tell me how you feel about Eggs Benedict, and we'll go from there.
I feel like I am getting old, or already there. Sometimes I feel like I'm done, even at this young age. I've always had a really weird sense of time, an inability to separate one period of time from another in my mind. No matter how much I've changed over the years, I still have the sense of always having been the same person, and the feeling that I always will be. Maybe I'll always be the same scared, solitary little girl, always the dreamy teenager in Coke-bottle glasses, optimistic about her 20s and unconcerned about anything after that. And maybe I've always been 23, free, and in love, always been an old beat-down woman at the end of the road.
Of all of the people I've been and will be, that old woman is the only one I've truly hated. I've hated her for all of the regrets she will have, and never, ever wanted to become her. I've been terrified of what it means to grow old, afraid of not making it that far, but mostly fearful of getting there and finding no meaning in anything I've done. If I can stop being afraid, if I can act now in ways the older me will be proud of... I think it will all be okay.
Whiny, self-indulgent blogger I've been lately. I promise my next post will be an inane ramble about how much I love Eggs Benedict or something. Wait, that's still kind of "me, me, me." Why don't you tell me how you feel about Eggs Benedict, and we'll go from there.
posted by Kristen | 12:35 PM
10 Comments:
I have definately never been a big fan of Eggs Benedict. No particular reasons why, other than the fact that I don't like "squishy" eggs (or eggs with a sauce), and always thinking of eggs whenever that particular name came up in History class.
I much prefer a nice simple omlet made the way Alton Brown showed me with a little salt and pepper and a wisp of a sprinkle of mozzerela and chedder (Gotta mix those two cheeses).
Tim! Nice to meet you!
Your use of the english language is enviable Kristen, I can see you chose your profession enviable... now onto Eggs Benedict. I'm with Tim on this, not a big fan of eggs with sauce. But an omlette has the potential to be anything you want!
As for wondering if your life has any meaning and expecting the next thing, well I always heard that it was about the journey and not the destination. So enjoy these precious moments we have, the good and the bad, we have been blessed with these experiences and you should enjoy them for what they are.
ummm its too early here but uhh i mean wisely, you chose your profession wisely...
I like eggs sunnyside up or some say over easy. Also cook the yolk in the center of a piece of french bread or with hash. Thats how i like my eggs.
And i think your life is going exactly the way you want it to. if you dont like it, change it.
by the way, do you mind if i ask who you are malkoth? Just curious.
I would claim random anonymous guy but apparently that name has already been taken. I found out about this website through myspace, apparently we are only seperated by three degrees of friends. Tis a small world after all?
I believe that William is jealous of Malkoth... To me that's funny.
oh its so nice to have you blogging comments again Sean!
No reason to be jealous of my back hair and spare tire really.
LOL!
Great times on this blog!!! Kristen I think we need a new blog- don't ya think??????
Post a Comment
<< Home