...this wreck of a life that I'm in

Well, not being all that computer savvy, and still relatively new to this blogging thing, I didn't really know how comment moderation worked. I was starting to think no one loved me, but I've got it mostly figured out now. I played around with it today, and lo and behold, I stumbled upon a whole slew of comments from the last few weeks. There was the love!

Unfortunately, mixed in with the love, there was a little bit of hate. The first time it happened, I took the "ignore the bully, and he'll leave you alone" approach. And I told myself it had nothing to do with me, so the best thing to do was stay out of it and not even acknowledge it, even though it made me feel awful to do it. But that's not really the case now, is it? I've been personally attacked, and I'm not even sure why. Now the bad feeling is back, and I'm speaking up for myself, something I don't do often enough. Everyon else is allowed to go off half-cocked and say whatever's on their mind, so damnit, it's my turn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First of all, "censorship?" Deleting a comment on my own blog is not censorship - denying you the right to post something on a blog of your own is. I would never deny anyone the right to publish any opinion they wanted, no matter how much I disagreed. However, when you use MY personal, private forum to launch attacks against me and people I care about, I reserve the right to remove them, in the same way as if you came to my home and spray-painted something hateful on my door, I would reserve the right to clean it up. You will not use me to hurt someone else. So this is what I suggest you do - if you need an outlet for all of these negative feelings you're having, make a blog of your own. Hell, start a newsletter, write a novel, if you want. Anyone who wants to know your thoughts, your feelings, and what you purport to be the "truth" about another person or situation can choose to read them or not read them.

I have yet to be privy to this "truth" that you tell me I'm "afraid of" - by all means, if you're concerned about me, if you think I'm in some danger of getting hurt--not that I think this is your motivation, but if it is--I'd love to know.

Or here's another idea. If you have something to say to someone else, why not say it directly to them? Why go through me? I'd be fascinated to know why the hell this has anything to do with me. You don't even know me. Why insult me? What do you stand to gain? What exactly have I ever done to you? It must have been pretty bad, whatever it was...

Final thoughts:

-I love opinions that differ from my own. If you actually read my blog, you would see a lot of things I disagree with, but I respect those opinions and the people they belong to. Your "opinions" so far haven't fit those criteria.

-"Fuckin kid"? Because you've been oh-so mature about all of this. Some words come to mind - "stalking," "harassment," "deluded," "obsessed," but certainly NOT "adult."

-How about having the stones to identify yourself when you leave these kinds of comments? Everyone knows who you are, but you're not generating a whole lot of respect for your viewpoint by not making yourself known.

Go ahead and leave as many nasty comments as you want. If you're respectful, and what you have to say is worthwhile (or at least semi-amusing in its stupidity), I will not delete it. Otherwise, I will. That's my right. It's also my right to ask you to kindly fuck off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that that unpleasantness is out of the way.... I wouldn't be reacting to things this strongly if it weren't for a lot of other factors. I apologize in advance if I blow up at people who don't deserve it, because my Drama-O-Meter has surely blown a fuse by now. Drama! Drama! Drama! it screams as me, at the slightest sign of trouble. I am quite seriously ready to snap (hence the obvious snappage you see above). There's been a lot of B.S. thrown my way this year, and I have no idea how I keep ending up at the center of a constant whirlwind of anger and hurt feelings. This could have been the best year of my life to date - all I've been wanting is to relax, enjoy my first year of independence, focus on my relationships, and find ways to be happy. Unfortunately, it seems like the more I work to improve situations, the more I try to keep other people happy, the more things fall apart.

It really is time for me to start spending some time on my own. Reminding myself who I am and why that matters. Taking care of me every now and then. I've been so fucking passive lately, and the more passive I am, the more shit gets thrown my way. I'm sick of it.

Time to ramp up the bitchery! Not really. I just ask anyone who cares about me in the least to have just a little bit of patience with me, and cut me a little bit of slack, as I try to figure out my life.

Thanks, friends.